The Wanderer; or, Female Difficulties (Volume 3 of 5) Read online

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  VOLUME III

  CHAPTER XLI

  From the time of this arrangement, the ascendance which Mr Nairdobtained over the mind of Elinor, by alternate assurances and alarms,relative to her chances of living to see Harleigh again, produced aquiet that gave time to the drafts, which were administered by thephysician, to take effect, and she fell into a profound sleep. This, MrNaird said, might last till late the next day; Ellis, therefore,promising to be ready upon any summons, returned to her lodging.

  Miss Matson, now, endeavoured to make some enquiries relative to thepublic suicide projected, if not accomplished, by Miss Joddrel, whichwas the universal subject of conversation at Brighthelmstone; but whenshe found it vain to hope for any details, she said, 'Such accidents,Ma'am, make one really afraid of one's life with persons one knowsnothing of. Pray, Ma'am, if it is not impertinent, do you still hold toyour intention of giving up your pretty apartment?'

  Ellis answered in the affirmative, desiring, with some surprise, toknow, whether the question were in consequence of any apprehension of asimilar event.

  'By no means, Ma'am, from you,' she replied; 'you, Miss Ellis, who havebeen so strongly recommended; and protected by so many of our capitalgentry; but what I mean is this. If you really intend to take a smalllodging, why should not you have my little room again up stairs?'

  'Is it not engaged to the lady I saw here this morning?'

  'Why that, Ma'am, is precisely the person I have upon my mind to speakabout. Why should I let her stay, when she's known to nobody, and isvery bad pay, if I can have so genteel a young lady as you, Ma'am, thatladies in their own coaches come visiting?'

  Ellis, recoiling from this preference, uttered words the most benevolentthat she could suggest, of the unknown person who had excited hercompassion: but Miss Matson gave them no attention. 'When one hasnothing better to do with one's rooms, Ma'am,' she said, 'it's sometimesas well, perhaps, to let them to almost one does not know who, as tokeep them uninhabited; because living in them airs them; but that's noreason for letting them to one's own disadvantage, if can do better. Nowthis person here, Ma'am, besides being poor, which, poor thing, may beshe can't help; and being a foreigner, which, you know, Ma'am, is nogreat recommendation;--besides all this, Miss Ellis, she has some verysuspicious ways with her, which I can't make out at all; she goes abroadin a morning, Ma'am, by five of the clock, without giving the leastaccount of her haunts. And that, Ma'am, has but an odd look with it!'

  'Why so, Miss Matson? If she takes time from her own sleep to enjoy alittle air and exercise, where can be the blame?'

  'Air and exercise, Ma'am? People that have their living to get, and thata'n't worth a farthing, have other things to think of than air andexercise! She does not, I hope, give herself quite such airs as those!'

  Ellis, disgusted, bid her good night; and, filled with pity for a personwho seemed still more helpless and destitute than herself, resolved tosee her the next day, and endeavour to offer her some consolation, ifnot assistance.

  Before, however, this pleasing project could be put into execution, shewas again, nearly at day break, awakened by a summons from Selina toattend her sister, who, after quietly reposing many hours, had started,and demanded Harleigh and Ellis.

  Ellis obeyed the call with the utmost expedition, but met the messengerreturning to her a second time, as she was mounting the street which ledto the lodging of Mrs Maple, with intelligence that Elinor had almostimmediately fallen into a new and sound sleep; and that Mr Naird hadordered that no one should enter the room, till she again awoke.

  Glad of this reprieve, Ellis was turning back, when she perceived, atsome distance, Miss Matson's new lodger. The opportunity was invitingfor her purposed offer of aid, and she determined to make some openingto an acquaintance.

  This was not easy; for though the light feet of Ellis might soon haveovertaken the quick, but staggering steps of the apparently distressedperson whom she pursued, she observed her to be in a state ofperturbation that intimidated approach, as much as it awakened concern.Her handkerchief was held to her face; though whether to conceal it, orbecause she was weeping, could not readily be discovered: but her formand air penetrated Ellis with a feeling and an interest far beyondcommon curiosity; and she anxiously studied how she might better behold,and how address her.

  The foreigner went on her way, looking neither to the right nor to theleft, till she had ascended to the church-yard upon the hill. Therestopping, she extended her arms, seeming to hail the full view of thewide spreading ocean; or rather, Ellis imagined, the idea of her nativeland, which she knew, from that spot, to be its boundary. The beauty ofthe early morning from that height, the expansive view, impressive,though calm, of the sea, and the awful solitude of the place, would havesufficed to occupy the mind of Ellis, had it not been completely caughtby the person whom she followed; and who now, in the persuasion of beingwholly alone, gently murmured, 'Oh ma chere patrie!--malheureuse,coupable,--mais toujours chere patrie!--ne te reverrai-je jamais!'[1]Her voice thrilled to the very soul of Ellis, who, trembling, suspended,and almost breathless, stood watching her motions; fearing to startleher by an unexpected approach, and waiting to catch her eye.

  [Footnote 1: 'Oh my loved country!--unhappy, guilty--but for ever lovedcountry!--shall I never see thee more!']

  But the mourner was evidently without suspicion that any one was insight. Grief is an absorber: it neither seeks nor makes observation;except where it is joined with vanity, that always desires remark; orwith guilt, by which remark is always feared.

  Ellis, neither advancing nor receding, saw her next move solemnlyforward, to bend over a small elevation of earth, encircled by shortsticks, intersected with rushes. Some of these, which were displaced,she carefully arranged, while uttering, in a gentle murmur, which theprofound stillness of all around alone enabled Ellis to catch, 'Reposetoi bien, mon ange! mon enfant! le repos qui me fuit, le bonheur quej'ai perdu, la tranquilite precieuse de l'ame qui m'abandonne--que toutcela soit a toi, mon ange! mon enfant! Je ne te rappellerai plus ici! Jene te rappellerais plus, meme si je le pouvais. Loin de toi mamalheureuse destinee! je priai Dieu pour ta conservation quand je tepossedois encore; quelques cruelles que fussent tes souffrances, ettoute impuissante que J'etois pour les soulager, je priai Dieu, dansl'angoisse de mon ame, pour ta conservation! Tu n'est plus pour moi--etje cesse de te reclamer. Je te vois une ange! Je te vois exempt ajamais de douleur, de crainte, de pauvrete et de regrets; tereclamerai-je, donc, pour partager encore mes malheurs? Non! ne reviensplus a moi! Que je te retrouve la--ou ta felicite sera la mienne! Maistoi, prie pour ta malheureuse mere! que tes innocentes prieress'unissent a ses humbles supplications, pour que ta mere, ta pauvremere, puisse se rendre digne de te rejoindre!'[2]

  [Footnote 2: 'Sleep on, sleep on, my angel child! May the repose thatflies me, the happiness that I have lost, the precious tranquillity ofsoul that has forsaken me--be thine! for ever thine! my child! my angel!I cease to call thee back. Even were it in my power, I would not callthee back. I prayed for thy preservation, while yet I had the bliss ofpossessing thee; cruel as were thy sufferings, and impotent as I foundmyself to relieve them, I prayed,--in the anguish of my soul,--I prayedfor thy preservation! Thou art lost to me now!--yet I call thee back nomore! I behold thee an angel! I see thee rescued for ever from sorrow,from alarm, from poverty, and from bitter recollections;--and shall Icall thee back, to partake again my sufferings?--No! return to me nomore! There, only, let me find thee, where thy felicity will bemine!--but thou! O pray for thy
unhappy mother! Let thy innocent prayersbe united to her humble supplications, that thy mother, thy haplessmother, may become worthy to join thee!']

  How long these soft addresses, which seemed to soothe the piouspetitioner, might have lasted, had she not been disturbed, is uncertain:but she was startled by sounds of more tumultuous sorrow; by sobs,rather than sighs, that seemed bursting forth from more violent, atleast, more sudden affliction. She looked round, astonished; and sawEllis leaning over a monument, and bathed in tears.

  She arose, and, advancing towards her, said, in an accent of pity,'Helas, Madame, vous, aussi, pleurez vous votre enfant?'[3]

  [Footnote 3: 'Alas, Madam! are you, also, deploring the loss of achild?']

  'Ah, mon amie! ma bien! amee amie!' cried Ellis, wiping her eyes, butvainly attempting to repress fresh tears; 't'ai-je cherchee, t'ai-jeattendue, t'ai-je si ardemment desiree, pour te retrouver ainsi?pleurant sur un tombeau? Et toi!--ne me rappelle tu pas? M'a tuoubliee?--Gabrielle! ma chere Gabrielle!'[4]

  [Footnote 4: 'Ah, my friend! my much loved friend! have I sought thee,have I awaited thee, have I so fervently desired thy restoration--tofind thee thus? Weeping over a grave? And thou--dost thou not recollectme? Hast thou forgotten me?--Gabriella! my loved Gabriella!']

  'Juste ciel!' exclaimed the other, 'que vois-je? Ma Julie! ma chere, matendre amie? Est il bien vrai?--O! peut il etre vrai, qu'il y ait encoredu bonheur ici bas pour moi?'[5]

  [Footnote 5: 'Gracious heaven! what do I behold? My Juliet! my tenderfriend? Can it be real?--O! can it, indeed, be true, that still anyhappiness is left on earth for me!']

  Locked in each other's arms, pressed to each other's bosoms, they nowremained many minutes in speechless agony of emotion, from nearlyoverpowering surprise, from gusts of ungovernable, irrepressible sorrow,and heart-piercing recollections; though blended with the tenderestsympathy of joy.

  This touching silent eloquence, these unutterable conflicts betweentransport and pain, were succeeded by a reciprocation of enquiry, soearnest, so eager, so ardent, that neither of them seemed to have anysensation left of self, from excess of solicitude for the other, tillEllis, looking towards the little grave, said, 'Ah! que ce ne soit plusquestion de moi?'[6]

  [Footnote 6: 'Ah!--upon me can you, yet, bestow a thought?']

  'Ah, oui, mon amie,' answered Gabriella, 'ton histoire, tes malheurs, nepeuvent jamais etre aussi terribles, aussi dechirants que les miens! tun'as pas encore eprouve le bonheur d'etre mere--comment aurois-tu, donc,eprouve, le plus accablant des malheurs? Oh! ce sont des souffrances quin'ont point de nom; des douleurs qui rendent nulles toutes autres, quela perte d'un Etre pur comme un ange, et tout a soi!'[7]

  [Footnote 7: 'True, my dear friend, true! thy history, thy misfortunes,can never be terrible, never be lacerating like mine! Thou hast not yetknown the bliss of being a mother;--how, then, canst thou haveexperienced the most overwhelming of calamities! a suffering that admitsof no description! a woe that makes all others seem null--the loss of abeing pure, spotless as a cherub--and wholly our own!']

  The fond embraces, and fast flowing tears of Ellis, evinced the keensensibility with which she participated in the sorrows of this afflictedmother, whom she strove to draw away from the fatal spot; reiteratingthe most urgent enquiries upon every other subject, to attract her, ifpossible, to yet remaining, to living interests. But these efforts wereutterly useless. 'Restons, restons ou nous sommes!' she cried: 'c'estici que je te parlerai; c'est ici que je t'ecouterai; ici, ou je passeles seuls momens que j'arrache a la misere, et au travail. Ne crois pasque de pleurer est ce qu'il y a le plus a craindre! Oh! qu'il net'arrive jamais de savoir que de pleurer, meme sur le tombeau de tout cequi vous est le plus cher, est un soulagement, un delice, aupres du durbesoin de travailler, la mort dans le coeur, pour vivre, pour exister,lorsque la vie a perdu toutes ses charmes!'[8]

  [Footnote 8: 'Here, here let us stay! 'tis here I can best speak tothee! 'tis here, I can best listen;--here, where I pass every momentthat I can snatch from penury and labour! Think not that to weep is whatis most to be dreaded; oh never mayst thou learn, that to weep--thoughupon the tomb of all that has been most dear to thee upon earth, is asolace, is a feeling of softness, nay of pleasure, compared with thehard necessity of toiling, when death has seized upon the very heart,merely to breathe, to exist, after life has lost all its charms!']

  Seated then upon the monument which was nearest to the little grave,Gabriella related the principal events of her life, since the period oftheir separation. These, though frequently extraordinary, sometimesperilous, and always touchingly disastrous, she recounted with arapidity almost inconceivable; distinctly, nevertheless, marking theseveral incidents, and the courage with which she had supported them:but when, these finished, she entered upon the history of the illnessthat had preceded the death of her little son, her voice tremblinglyslackened its velocity, and unconsciously lowered its tones; and, farfrom continuing with the same quickness or precision, every circumstancewas dwelt upon as momentous; every recollection brought forth long andendearing details; every misfortune seemed light, put in the scale withhis loss; every regret seemed concentrated in his tomb!

  Six o'clock, and seven, had tolled unheeded, during this afflicting, yetsoothing recital; but the eighth hour striking, when the tumult ofsorrow was subsiding into the sadness of grief, the sound caught the earof Gabriella, who, hastily rising, exclaimed, 'Ah, voila que je suisencore susceptible de plaisir, puisque ta societe m'a fait oublier lestristes et penibles devoirs, qui m'appellent a des taches qui--apeine--m'empechent de mourir de faim!'[9]

  [Footnote 9: 'See, if I am not still susceptible of pleasure! Thysociety has made me forget the sad and painful duties that call mehence, to tasks that snatch me,--with difficulty,--from perishing byfamine!']

  At these words, all the fortitude hitherto sustained by Juliet,--for theborrowed name of Ellis will now be dropt,--utterly forsook her. Torrentsof tears gushed from her eyes, and lamentations, the bitterest, brokefrom her lips. She could bear, she cried, all but this; all butbeholding the friend of her heart, the daughter of her benefactress,torn from the heights of happiness and splendour; of merited happiness,of hereditary splendour; to be plunged into such depths of distress, andoverpowered with anguish.

  'Ah! que je te reconnois bien a ce trait!' cried Gabriella, while atender smile tried to force its way through her tears: 'cette ame sinoble! si inebralable pour elle-meme, si douce, si compatissante pourtout autre! que de souvenirs chers et touchans ne se presentent, a cetinstant, a mon coeur! Ma chere Julie! il est bien vrai, donc, que jete vois, que je te retrouve encore! et, en toi, tout ce qu'il y a deplus aimable, de plus pur, et de plus digne! Comment ai-je pu te revoir,sans retrouver la felicite? Je me sens presque coupable de pouvoirt'embrasser,--et de pleurer encore!'[10]

  [Footnote 10: 'Ah, how I know thee by that trait! thy soul so noble! sofirm in itself; so soft, so commiserating for every other! what tender,what touching recollections present themselves at this instant to myheart! Dearest Juliet! is it, then, indeed no dream, that I havefound--that I behold thee again? and, in thee, all that is mostexemplary, most amiable, and most worthy upon earth! How is it I canrecover thee, and not recover happiness? I almost feel as if I werecriminal, that I can embrace thee,--yet weep on!']

  Forcing herself, then, from the fatal but cherished spot, she musthasten, she said, to her daily labour, lest night should surprise her,without a roof to shelter her head. But Juliet now detained her; clungand wept round her neck, and could not even endeavour to resign herselfto the keen woes, and deplorable situation of her friend. She had comeover, she said, buoyed up with the exquisite hope of joining the darlingcompanion of her earliest youth; of sharing her fate, and of mitigatingher hardships: but this softening expectation was changed intodespondence, in discovering her, thus, a prey to unmixt calamity; notalone bowed down by the general evils of revolutionary events; punishedfor plans in which she had borne no part, and for crimes of which shehad not even any knowledge;--not onl
y driven, without offence, or evenaccusation, from prosperity and honours, to exile, to want, to misery,and to labour; but suffering, at the same time, the heaviest of personalafflictions, in the immediate loss of a darling child; the victim, inall probability, to a melancholy change of life, and to sudden privationof customary care and indulgence!

  The task of consolation seemed now to devolve upon Gabriella: thefeelings of Juliet, long checked by prudence, by fortitude, by imperiousnecessity; and kept in dignified but hard command; having once found avent, bounded back to nature and to truth, with a vivacity of keenemotion that made them nearly uncontrollable. Nature and truth,--whichinvariably retain an elastic power, that no struggles can wholly subdue;and that always, however curbed, however oppressed,--lie in wait foropportunity to spring back to their rights. Her tears, permitted,therefore, at length, to flow, nearly deluged the sad bosom of herfriend.

  'Helas, ma Julie! soeur de mon ame!' cried Gabriella, 'ne t'abandonne pasa la douleur pour moi! mais parles moi, ma tendre amie, paries moi dema mere! Ou l'a tu quitte? Et comment? Et a quelle epoque?--La plusdigne, la plus cherie des meres! Helas! eloignee de nous deux, commentsaura-t-elle se resigner a tant de malheurs?'[11]

  [Footnote 11: 'Alas, my Juliet! sister of my soul! abandon not myself tosorrow for me! but speak to me, my tender friend, speak to me of mymother! where didst thou leave her? And how? And at what time? The mostprecious of mothers! Alas! separated from us both,--how will she be ableto support such accumulation of misfortunes!']

  Juliet uttered the tenderest assurances, that she had left theMarchioness well; and had left her by her own injunctions, to join herdarling daughter; to whom, by a conveyance that had been deemed secure,she had previously written the plan of the intended journey; with adesire that a few lines of direction, relative to their meeting, undercover to L.S., to be left till called for, might be sent to thepost-offices both of Dover and Brighthelmstone; as it was not possibleto fix at which spot Juliet might land. The initials L.S. had been fixedupon by accident.

  Filial anxiety, now, took place of maternal sufferings, and Gabriellacould only talk of her mother; demanding how she looked, and how shesupported the long separation, the ruinous sacrifices, and the perpetualalarms, to which she must have been condemned since they had parted;expressing her own surprise, that she had borne to dwell upon any othersubject than this, which now was the first interest of her heart; yetceasing to wonder, when she contemplated the fatal spot where hermeeting with Juliet had taken place.

  Each, now, deeply lamented the time and consolation that had been lost,from their mutual ignorance of each other's abode. Juliet related herfruitless search upon arriving in London; and Gabriella explained, that,during three lingering, yet ever regretted months, she had watched overher dying boy, without writing a single line; to spare her absentfriends the knowledge of her suspensive wretchedness. Since theirreparable certainty which had followed, she had sent two letters toher beloved mother, with her address at Brighthelmstone; but both musthave miscarried, as she had received no answer. That Juliet had nottraced her in London was little wonderful, as, to elude the curiosityexcited by a great name, she had passed, in setting out forBrighthelmstone, by a common one. And to that change, joined to one sosimilar on the part of Juliet, it must have been owing that they hadnever heard of each other, though residents of the same place. Juliet,nevertheless, was astonished, in defiance of all alteration of attireand appearance, that she had not instantly recognized the air and formof her elegant and high bred Gabriella. But, equally unacquainted withher indigence, which was the effect of sundry cruel accidents, and withthe loss of her child; no expectation was awakened of finding her eitherin so distressed or so solitary a condition. Now, however, Julietcontinued, that fortunately, though, alas! not happily, they had met,they would part no more. Juliet was fully at liberty to go whithersoeverher friend would lead, the hope of obtaining tidings of that belovedfriend, having alone kept her stationary thus long at Brighthelmstone;where she could now leave the address of Gabriella, at the post-office,for their mutual letters: and, as insuperable obstacles impeded herwriting herself, at present, to the Marchioness, Gabriella might makeknown, in a covert manner, that they were together, and were both safe.

  And why, Gabriella demanded, could not Juliet write herself?

  'Alas!' Juliet replied, 'I must not even be named!'

  'Eh, pour quoi?--n'a-t-tu pas vu tes parens?--Peut on te voir sanst'aimer? te connoitre sans te cherir? Non, ma Julie, non! tu n'a qu'a temontrer.'[12]

  [Footnote 12: 'And why? Hast thou not seen thy relations?--Canst thou beseen, and not loved?--known, and not cherished? No, my Juliet, no! thouhast only to appear!']

  Juliet, changing colour, dejectedly, and not without confusion, besoughther friend, though for reasons that could neither be assigned norsurmounted, to dispense, at present, with all personal narration. Yet,upon perceiving the anxious surprise occasioned by a request so littleexpected, she dissolved into tears, and offered every communication, inpreference to causing even transitory pain to her best friend.

  'O loin de moi cette exigence!' cried Gabriella, with energy, 'Nesais-je pas bien que ton bon esprit, juste emule de ton excellentcoeur, te fera parler lorsqu'il le faudra? Ne me confierai-je pas atoi, dont la seule etude est le bonheur des autres?'[13]

  [Footnote 13: 'Oh far from me by any such insistence! Know I not wellthat thy admirable judgment, just counterpart of thy excellent heart,will guide thee to speak when it is right? Shall I not entirely confidein thee?--In thee, whose sole study has been always the good andhappiness of others?']

  Juliet, not more penetrated by this kindness, than affected by a facileresignation, that shewed the taming effect of misfortune upon thenatural vivacity of her friend, could answer only by caresses andtears.

  'Eh mon oncle?' continued Gabriella; 'mon tout-aimable et si pieuxoncle? ou est il?'[14]

  [Footnote 14: 'And my uncle! My so amiable, so pious uncle? Where ishe?']

  'Monseigneur l'Eveque?' cried Juliet, again changing colour; 'Oh oui!tout-aimable! sans tache et sans reproche!--Il sera bientot, je crois,ici;--ou j'aurois de ses nouvelles; et alors--ma destinee me seraconnue!'[15]

  [Footnote 15: 'My lord the Bishop?--Oh yes! yes!--amiableindeed!--pure!--without blemish!--He will soon, I believe, be here; or Ishall have some intelligence from him; and then--my fate will be knownto me!']

  A deep sigh tried to swallow these last words. Gabriella looked at her,for a moment, with re-awakened earnestness, as if repentant of her ownacquiescence; but the sight of encreasing disturbance in the countenanceof Juliet, checked her rising impatience; and she quietly said, 'Ah!s'il arrive ici!--si je le revois,--j'eprouverai encore, au milieu detant de desolation, un mouvement de joie!--tel que toi, seule, jusqu'ace moment, a su m'en inspirer!'[16]

  [Footnote 16: 'Ah, should he come hither!--should I be blest again byhis sight, I should feel, once more, even in the midst of my desolation,a sensation of joy--such as thou, only, as yet, hast been able tore-awaken!']

  Juliet, with fond delight, promised to be governed wholly, in her futureplans, occupations, and residence, by her beloved friend.

  'C'est a Brighthelmstone, donc,' cried Gabriella, returning to thelittle grave; 'c'est ici que nous demeurions! ici, ou il me semble queje n'ai pas encore tout a fait perdu mon fils!'

  Then, tenderly embracing Juliet, 'Ah, mon amie!' she cried, with a smilethat blended pleasure with agony; 'ah, mon amie! c'est a mon enfant queje te dois! c'est en pleurant sur ses restes que je t'ai retrouvee! Ah,oui!' passionately bending over the grave; 'c'est a toi, mon ange! monenfant! que je dois mon amie! Ton tombeau, meme, me porte bonheur! tescendres veulent me benir! tes restes, ton ombre veulent du bien a tapauvre mere!'[17]

  [Footnote 17: ''Tis at Brighthelmstone, then,--'tis here that we mustdwell! Here, where I seem not yet, entirely, to have lost my darlingboy! Oh my friend! my dearest, best loved friend! 'tis to him--to mychild, that I am indebted for seeing thee again! 'tis in visiting hisremains that
I have met my Juliet!--Oh thou! my child! my angel! 'tis tothee, to thee, I am indebted for my friend! Even thy grave offers mecomfort! even thy ashes desire to bless me! Thy remains, thy shadow,would do good, would bring peace to thy unhappy mother!']

  With difficulty, now, Juliet drew her away from the fond, fatal spot;and slowly, and silently, while clinging to each other with heartfeltaffection, they returned together to their lodgings.