The Wanderer; or, Female Difficulties (Volume 4 of 5) Read online

  CHAPTER LXII

  Juliet re-entered her chamber without having been missed, but in aperturbation of mind indescribable; affrighted, confused, overpoweredwith various and varying sensations; wretched for Elinor; dissatisfiedwith herself; and yet more at war with what seemed to be her destiny;ejaculating, from time to time, Oh Gabriella! receive, console,strengthen, and direct your terrified,--bewildered friend!--

  Unusual sounds from the hall soon announced some disturbance; but,wholly without courage to go forth upon any enquiry, she remained, intrembling ignorance of what was passing; till she was relieved by avisit from Selina, which gave her the extreme satisfaction of hearingthat Elinor was actually in the house.

  Grief, however, though unmixt with surprize, followed the information,when she heard, also, that Elinor was in so disordered a state, that shehad been forced from the church only by the interference of Mr Naird;for whom Mr Harleigh had sent; and who had positively told her, that, ifshe would not submit to be conveyed to some house, and try to repose, heshould hold it his duty to send for proper persons to controul and takecare of her, as one unfit to be trusted to herself.

  Even then, though evidently startled, she would not consent to go backto Lewes, which she had quitted, she loudly declared, for ever: but,after wildly enquiring for Ellis, and being assured that she wasreturned to Mrs Ireton's, she was, at length, wrought upon to accept aninvitation, which, through measures that were taken by the activeHarleigh, Mrs Ireton had been prevailed with to send to her; and whichincluded her sister and Mrs Maple.

  What else of the history of this transaction was known to Selina, wasspeedily revealed.

  The whole house of Mrs Maple had been awakened at day-light, by theforeign servant of Elinor; who came to bid Tomlinson call up Mrs Maple,and acquaint her, that he believed that her niece was determined to makeaway with herself. She had found means, he said, over night, to inducethe clerk of the church at Brighthelmstone to let her have the key ofthe church, to begin a drawing, of one of the monuments, at sun-rise,when no idle loungers would interrupt her: and the clerk, knowing herfor a lady of property and fashion, in the neighbourhood, had not hadthe thought to refuse her. She had made him, the lackey, come for her atMrs Maple's, with a post chaise, and wait near the house at threeo'clock in the morning: she and Mrs Golding then got into it, while heattended, as usual, on horseback. They stopt at a place, by the way, toreceive a heap of things, that he did not take much notice of, as it wasnot well light; and then they all gallopped to Brighthelmstone. Hethought no harm, all the time, as his lady so often went about oddly,nobody knowing why. She made the chaise stop at the church-yard, andtold him, and Golding, to help up with all the things, into the church.She then said she was going to begin her drawing; and bid the postilionwait at some inn, till she went for him. But she told the lackey to stayin the church-yard. She and Golding were then shut up together a quarterof an hour; when Golding came out, crying. Her lady, she said, had put awhite trimmed stuff dress over her cloaths, that made her look as if shewere buried alive, and just the same as a ghost; and she was afraid allwas not right; for she had made her help to place what she had called apallet, for her drawing, upon the altar-table, and it looked just like acoffin; only it was covered over with paper. She had ordered that theyshould both go to an inn, and return for her, with the chaise, at eighto'clock. Neither of them knew what to make of all this; but so many outof the way things had passed, and nothing had come of them, that, still,they should have done only as they were bid, but that the lackeyrecollected two loaded pistols, which his lady had made him charge, uponthe route, to frighten away robbers, by firing one of them off, shesaid, if they saw any suspicious persons dodging them: and these, whichhad been put carefully into the chaise, Golding had seen, in the hand ofher mistress, in the church. This gave him such a panic, that he thoughtit safest to ride back to Madame Maple's, and tell the whole at once.All the family, upon this alarming news, set out for Brighthelmstone,the moment that the horses could be got ready: and, just as they arrivedat the church, Elinor herself, had appeared, bursting from it into theporch.

  Her indignation at thus being followed and detected, had been terrible:Who, she asked, had any right to controul her? But that was nothing toher disturbance, when she found that Ellis had vanished. She grew soagitated, that it was frightful, Selina continued, to see her; andlooked franticly about her, as if for means to destroy herself: andnothing could urge her to quit the church, or church-yard, whence sheeagerly tried to command away all others; till Mr Harleigh had recourseto Mr Naird, who had alarmed her into submission. They had then broughther in a chaise, between Mrs Maple and the surgeon, to Mrs Ireton's;where, to hide herself, she said, from light and life, she had gloomilyconsented to go to bed; but she raved, sighed, groaned, started, and wasin a state of shame and despair, the most deplorable.

  Juliet heard this narration with equal pity and terrour; but no soonerunderstood that Mrs Maple had entreated Mr Harleigh to remain atBrighthelmstone, for a day or two, than she determined to quit the placeherself, persuaded that these bloody enterprizes were always reservedfor their joint presence.

  The nearly exhausted Elinor passed the rest of the day without effort,without speech, and almost without sign of life. But, early on thefollowing morning, Juliet received from her a hasty summons.

  Juliet essayed, by every means that she could devise, to avoid obeyingit; but every effort of resistance was ineffectual. By compulsion,therefore, and slowly, she mounted the stairs, secretly determiningthat, should Harleigh also be called upon, she would seize the firstinstant in which she could elude observation, to escape, not alone fromthe room, nor from the house, but from Brighthelmstone; whence she wouldset off, by the quickest conveyance that she could find, for London andGabriella. Elinor, muffled up, and looking pale, haggard, and altered,was reclining upon a sofa; not in compliance with the request of herfriends, but from an indispensable necessity of repose, after theviolent exertions which had recently shaken her already weakened frame.At the entrance of Juliet she lifted up her head, with an air of eagersatisfaction, and exclaimed, 'You are really, then, here? And you come,at length, to my call? Harleigh is less courteous! Triumphant Harleigh!he leaves me, he says, to take some rest:--rest?--'

  She paused, and her under lip shewed her contempt of the idea; andpresently, with a sarcastic smile, she added, 'Yes, yes, I shallcertainly take rest! I mean no less. He, too, will take some rest!There, at least, ultimately, our destinies will approximate. And you,even you, victorious Ellis! will sink to vapid rest, like those who havenever known happiness!'

  With a laugh, then, but expressive of scorn, not gaiety, she exclaimed,'And I, too, preaching? Can we never be tired, and good for nothing, butwe must take to moralizing? Summon him, however, Ellis, yourself. Tellhim to come without delay. I am sick;--and he is sick; and you aresick;--we are all round sick of this loathsome procrastination.'

  Alert to seize any pretence to be gone, Juliet was already at the door;when Elinor, suddenly seeming to penetrate into her intentions, calledher back; and demanded a solemn promise that she would not fail toreturn with Harleigh.

  To the quick perceptions of Elinor, hesitation was alarm; she no sooner,therefore, observed it, than she peremptorily ordered Selina and MrsGolding out of the room, and then, yet more positively, commanded Julietto approach the sofa.

  'I see,' she cried, 'your collusion! You imagine, by coming to mealternately, that you shall keep me in order? You conclude that I onlypresent myself a bowl and a dagger, like a Tragedy Queen, to have themdashed from my hands, that I may be ready for a similar exhibitionanother day?--And can Harleigh, the noble Harleigh! judge me thuspitifully? No! no! Full of great and expansive ideas himself, he canbetter comprehend the exaltation of which a high, uncurbed, independentspirit is capable. But little minds deem all that is not common, allthat has not been practised from father to son, and from generation togeneration, to be trick, or to be impossible. You, Ellis, and such asyou, who act always by rule, who n
ever utter a word of which you havenot weighed the consequence; never indulge a wish of which you have notcanvassed the effects: who listen to no generous feeling; who shrinkfrom every liberal impulse; who know nothing of nature, and care fornothing but opinion:--you, and such as you, tame animals of custom,wearied and wearying plodders on beaten tracks, may conclude me a merevapouring impostor, and believe it as safe to brave as to despise me!You, Ellis--But no!--'

  She stopt, and her look and manner suddenly lost their fierceness, asshe added: 'Oh no!--You! You are not of that cast! Harleigh can onlyadmire what alone is admirable. He would soon see through littleness orhypocrisy; you must be good and great at once--eminently good,unaffectedly great!--or how could Harleigh, the punctilious,discriminating Harleigh, adore you? Oh! I have known, and secretlyappreciated you long; though I have been too little myself toacknowledge it! I have not been calm enough--perhaps not blind enoughfor justice! for if I saw your beauty less clearly--O happy Ellis! howdo I admire, envy, revere,--and hate you!'

  Shocked, yet filled with pity, Juliet would have sought to deprecate herenmity, and soften her feelings; but her fiery eye shewed that anyattempt at offering her consolation would be regarded as insult. 'Idisdain,' she cried, 'all expedient, all pretence. However the abortionof my purpose may have made me appear a mere female mountebank, I havemeant all that I have seemed to mean: though, by waiting for the momentof most _eclat_, opportunity has been past by, and action has beenfrustrated. But I can die only once. That over,--all is ended. 'Tistherefore I have studied how to finish my career with most effect. LetHarleigh, however, beware how he doubt my sincerity! doubt from himwould drive me mad indeed! To the torpid formalities of every-daycustoms; the drowsy thoughts of every-day thinkers; he may believe meinsensible, and I shall thank him; but, indifferent to my own principlesof honour!--lost to my own definitions of pride, of shame, ofheroism!--Oh! if he touch me there!--if he can judge of me sodegradingly ... my senses will still go before my life!'

  She held her forehead, with a look of fearful pain; but, soonrecovering, laughed, and said, 'There are fools, I know, in the world,who suppose me mad already! only because I go my own way; while they,poor cowards, yoked one to another, always follow the path of theirforefathers; without even venturing to mend the road, however it mayhave been broken up by time, accident or mischief. I have full as muchcontempt of their imbecility, as they can have of my insanity. But hearme, Ellis! approach and mark me. I must have a conference with Harleigh.You must be present. A last conference! Whatever be its event, I havebound myself to Elinor Joddrel never to demand another! But do nottherefore imagine my life or death to be in your power. No! Myresolution is taken. Take yours. Let the interview which I demand passquietly in this room; or be responsible for the consequences of thepublic desperation to which I may be urged!'

  Gloomily, she then added, 'Harleigh has refused to come; I will send himword that you are here; will he still refuse?'

  Juliet blushed; but could not answer. Elinor paused a moment, and thensaid, 'If he knows that he can see you elsewhere, he will be firm; ifnot ... he will return with my messenger! By that I can judge thepresent state of your connexion.'

  She rang the bell, and told Mrs Golding to go instantly to Mr Harleigh,and acquaint him that Elinor Joddrel and Miss Ellis desired to speakwith him immediately.

  Vainly Juliet remonstrated against the strange appearance of such amessage, not only to himself, but to the family and the world:'Appearance?' she cried; 'after what I have done, what I havedared,--have I any terms to keep with the world? with appearances?Miserable, contemptible, servile appearances, to which sense, happiness,and feeling are for ever to be sacrificed! And what will the world do inreturn? How recompense the victims to its arbitrary prejudices? Byletting them quickly sink into nothing; by suffering them to die with aslittle notice and distinction as they have lived; and with as littlechoice.'

  Mrs Golding returned, bringing the respects of Mr Harleigh, but sayingthat he was forced, by an indispensable engagement, to refuse himselfthe honour of waiting upon Miss Joddrel.

  'Run to him again!--' cried Elinor, with vehemence; 'run, or he will begone! Make him enter the first empty room, and tell him 'tis Miss Ellisalone who desires to speak with him. Fly!'

  Yet more earnestly, now, Juliet would have interfered; but theperemptory Elinor insisted upon immediate obedience. 'If still,' shecried 'he come not ... I shall conclude you to be already married!'

  She laughed, yet wore a face of horrour at this idea; and spoke no moretill Mrs Golding returned, with intelligence that Mr Harleigh waswaiting in the parlour.

  The bosom of Juliet now swelled and heaved high, with tumultuousdistress and alarm, and her cheeks were dyed with the crimson tint ofconscious shame; while Elinor, turning pale, dropt her head upon thepillow of the sofa, and sighed deeply for a moment in silence.Recovering then, 'This, at least,' she said, 'is explicit; let it befinal! Your influence is not disguised; use it, Ellis, to snatch me fromthe deplorable buffoonery of running about the world--not like deathafter the lady, but the lady after death! Assure yourselves that youwill never devise any stratagem that will turn me from my purpose;though you may render ridiculous in its execution, what in itsconception was sublime. Happiness such as yours, Ellis, ought to beabove all narrow malignity. You ought to be proud, Ellis, voluntarily toserve her whom involuntarily you have ruined!'

  Juliet was beginning some protestations of kindness; but Elinor,interrupting her, said, 'I can give credit only to action. I must have aconference; but it is not to talk of myself;--nor of you; nor even ofHarleigh. No! the soft moment of indulgence to my feelings is at an end!When I allowed my heart that delicious expansion; when I abandoned it tonature, and permitted it those open effusions of tenderness, I thoughtmy dissolution at hand, and meant but to snatch a few last preciousminutes of extacy from everlasting annihilation! but these endlessdelays, these eternal procrastinations, make me appear so unmeaning anidiot, even to myself, that, for the remnant of my doleful ditty, I mustresist every natural wish; and plod on, till I plod off, with the stiffand stupid decorum of a starched old maid of half a century. Procure me,however, this definitive conference. It is upon no point of the oldstory, I promise you. You cannot be more tired of that than I amashamed. 'Tis simply an earnest curiosity to know the pure, unadulteratethoughts of Harleigh upon death and immortality. I have applied to him,fruitlessly, myself; he inexorably refers me to some old canonicals;without considering that it is vain to ask for guides to shew us a road,before we are convinced, or at least persuaded, that it will lead us tosome given spot. Let him but make clear, that 'tis his own opinion thatdeath does not sink us to nothing; let him but satisfy me, that he doesnot turn me over to others, only because he thinks as I think himself,and has not the courage to avow it;--and then, in return, I may sufferhim to send to me some one of his black robed tribe, to harangue meabout here and hereafter.'

  All contestation on the part of Juliet, was but irritating; she wasforced upon her commission, and compelled solemnly to promise, that shewould return with Harleigh, and be present at the conference.