The Wanderer; or, Female Difficulties (Volume 4 of 5) Read online

  CHAPTER LXIII

  With unsteady footsteps, and covered with blushes, Juliet repaired tothe parlour, where Harleigh, with delighted, yet trembling impatience,was awaiting her arrival.

  The door was half open, and he had placed himself at a distant window,to force her entire entrance into the room, before she could see him, orspeak; but, that point gained, he hastened to shut it, exclaiming, 'Howhappy for me is this incident, whatever may have been its origin! Let meinstantly avail myself of it, to entreat--'

  'Give me leave,' interrupted Juliet, looking every way to avoid hiseyes; 'to deliver my message. Miss Joddrel--'

  'When we begin,' cried Harleigh, eagerly, 'upon the unhappy Elinor, shemust absorb us; let me, then, first--'

  'I must be heard, Sir,' said Juliet, with more firmness, 'or I must begone!--'

  'You must be heard, then, undoubtedly!' he cried, with a smile, andoffering her a chair, 'for you must not be gone!'

  Juliet declined being seated, but delivered, nearly in the words thatshe had received it, her message.

  Harleigh looked pained and distressed, yet impatient, as he listened.'How,' he cried, 'can I argue with her? The false exaltation of herideas, the effervescence of her restless imagination, place her above,or below, whatever argument, or reason can offer to her consideration.Her own creed is settled--not by investigation into its merits, not byreflection upon its justice, but by an impulsive preference, in thepersuasion that such a creed leaves her mistress of her destiny.'

  'Ah, do not resist her!' cried Juliet. 'If there is any good to bedone--do it! and without delay!'

  'It is not you I can resist!' he tenderly answered, 'if deliberately itis your opinion I should comply. But her peculiar character, herextraordinary principles, and the strange situation into which she hascast herself, give her, for the moment, advantages difficult, naydangerous to combat. Unawed by religion, of which she is ignorant;unmoved by appearances, to which she is indifferent; she utters all thatoccurs to an imagination inflamed by passion, disordered bydisappointment, and fearless because hopeless, with a courage from whichshe has banished every species of restraint: and with a spirit ofridicule, that so largely pervades her whole character, as to burstforth through all her sufferings, to mix derision with all her sorrows,and to preponderate even over her passions! Reason and argument appearto her but as marks for dashing eloquence or sportive mockery.Nevertheless, if, by striking at every thing, daringly, impetuously,unthinkingly, she start some sudden doubt; demand some impossibleexplanation; or ask some humanly unanswerable question; she willconclude herself victorious; and be more lost than ever to all that isright, from added false confidence in all that is wrong.'

  'If so, the conference were, indeed, better avoided,' said Juliet withsadness; 'yet--as it is not the sacred truth of revealed religion thatshe means to canvass; as it is merely the previous question, of thepossibility, or impossibility, according to her notions, of a futurestate for mankind, which she desires to discuss; I do not quite see thedanger of answering the doubts, or refuting the assertions, that maylead her afterwards, to an investigation so important to her futurewelfare. If she would consult with a clergyman, it were certainlypreferable; but that will be a point no longer difficult to gain, whenonce you have convinced her, upon her own terms of controversy, that youyourself have a firm belief in immortality.'

  'The attempt shall surely be made,' said Harleigh, 'if you think such aresult, as casting her into more reverend hands, may ensue. If I havefled all controversy with her, from the time that she has publiclyproclaimed her religious infidelity, it has by no means been fromdisgust; an unbeliever is simply an object of pity; for who is sodeplorably without resource in sickness or calamity?--those two commonoccupiers of half our existence! No; if I have fled all voluntaryintercourse with her, it has only been that her total contempt of theworld, has forced me to take upon myself the charge of public opinionfor us both. While I considered her as the future wife of my brother, Ifrankly contested whatever I thought wrong in her notions. The wildnessof her character, the eccentricity of her ideas, and the violence ofall her feelings; with her extraordinary understanding--parts, I oughtto say; for understanding implies rather what is solid thanbrilliant;--joined to the goodness of her heart, and the generosity,frankness, and openness of her nature, excited at once an anxiety for mybrother, and an interest for herself, that gave occasion to the mostaffectionate animadversion on my part, and produced alternate defence orconcession on hers. But her disdain of flattery, or even of civilacquiescence, made my freedom, opposed to the courteous complaisancewhich my brother deemed due to his situation of her humble servant,strike her in a point of view ... that has been unhappy for us allthree! Yet this was a circumstance which I had never suspected,--for,where no wish is met, remark often sleeps;--and I had been whollyunobservant, till you--'

  Called from the deep interest with which she had involuntarily listenedto the relation of his connection with Elinor, by this sudden transitionto herself, Juliet started; but he went on.

  'Till you were an inmate of the same house! till I saw her strangeconsternation, when she found me conversing with you; her risinginjustice when, with the respect and admiration which you inspired, Imentioned you; her restless vigilance to interrupt whatevercommunication I attempted to have with you; her sudden fits of profoundyet watchful taciturnity, when I saw you in her presence;--'

  'I may tell her,' interrupted Juliet, disturbed, 'that you will waitupon her according to her request?'

  'When you,' cried he, smiling, 'are her messenger, she must not expectquite so quick, quite so categorical an answer! I must first--'

  'On the contrary, her impatience will be insupportable if I do notrelieve it immediately.'

  She would have opened the door, but, preventing her, 'Can you indeedbelieve,' he cried, with vivacity; 'is it possible you can believe,that, having once caught a ray of light, to illumine and cheer the dreadand nearly impervious darkness, that so long and so blackly overcloudedall my prospects, I can consent, can endure to be cast again intodesolate obscurity?'

  Juliet, blushing, and conscious of his allusion to her reception of himin the church yard, for which, without naming Sir Lyell Sycamore, sheknew not how to account, again protested that she must not be detained.

  Still, however, half reproachfully, half laughingly, stopping her, 'Andis it thus,' he cried, 'that you summon me to Brighthelmstone,--only tomock my obedience, and disdain to hear me?'

  'I, Sir?--I, summon you?'

  'Nay, see my credentials!'

  He presented to her the following note, written in an evidently feignedhand:

  'If Mr Harleigh will take a ramble to the church-yard upon the Hill, at Brighthelmstone, next Thursday morning, at five o'clock, he will there meet a female fellow-traveller, now in the greatest distress, who solicits his advice and assistance, to extricate her from her present intolerable abode.'

  Deeply colouring, 'And could Mr Harleigh,' she cried, 'even for a momentbelieve,--suppose,--'

  He interrupted her, with an air of tender respect. 'No; I did not,indeed, dare believe, dare suppose that an honour, a trust such as mightbe implied by an appeal like this, came from you! Yet for you I was sureit was meant to pass; and to discover by whom it was devised, and forwhat purpose, irresistibly drew me hither, though with full convictionof imposition. I came, however, pre-determined to watch around yourdwelling, at the appointed hour, ere I repaired to the bidden place. Butwhat was my agitation when I thought I saw you! I doubted my senses. Iretreated; I hung back; your face was shaded by your head-dress;--yetyour air,--your walk,--was it possible I could be deceived?Nevertheless, I resolved not to speak, nor to approach you, till I sawwhether you proceeded to the church-yard. I was by no means free fromsuspicion of some new stratagem of Elinor; for, fatigued withconcealment, I was then publicly at my house upon Bagshot Heath, wherethe note had reached me. Yet her distance from Brighthelmstone for soearly an hour, joined to intelligence which I had receiv
ed some timeago,--for you will not imagine that the period which I spend withoutseeing, I spend also without hearing of you?--that you had beenobserved,--and more than once,--at that early hour, in thechurch-yard--'

  'True!' cried Juliet, eagerly, 'at that hour I have frequently met, oraccompanied, a friend, a beloved friend! thither; and, in her name, Ihad even then, when I saw you, been deluded: not for a walk; a ramble;not upon any party of pleasure; but to visit a little tomb, which holdsthe regretted remains of the darling and only child of that dear,unhappy friend!'

  She wept. Harleigh, extremely touched, said, 'You have, then, a friendhere?--Is it,--may I ask?--is it the person you so earnestly sought uponyour arrival?--Is your anxiety relieved?--your embarrassment?--yoursuspence?--your cruel distress?--Will you not give me, at length, somelittle satisfaction? Can you wonder that my forbearance is wornout?--Can my impatience offend you?--If I press to know your situation,it is but with the desire to partake it!--If I solicit to hear yourname--it is but with the hope ... that you will suffer me to change it!'

  He would have taken her hand, but, drawing back, and wiping her eyes,though irresistibly touched, 'Offend?' she repeated; 'Oh far,--far!...but why will you recur to a subject that ought so long since to havebeen exploded?--while another,--an essential one, calls for all myattention?--The last packet which you left with me, you must suffer meinstantly to return; the first,--the first--' She stammered, coloured,and then added, 'The first,--I am shocked to own,--I must deferreturning yet a little longer!'

  'Defer?' ardently repeated Harleigh. 'Ah! why not condescend to think,at least, another language, if not to speak it? Why not anticipate, inkind idea, at least, the happy period,--for me! when I may be permittedto consider as included, and mutual in our destinies, whateverhitherto--'

  'Oh hold!--Oh Mr Harleigh!' interrupted Juliet, in a voice of anguish.'Let no errour, no misconstruction, of this terrible sort,--noinference, no expectation, thus wide from all possible reality, add tomy various misfortunes the misery of remorse!'

  'Remorse?--Gracious powers! What can you mean?'

  'That I have committed the most dreadful of mistakes,--a mistake that Iought never to forgive myself, if, in the relief from immediateperplexity, which I ventured to owe to a momentary, and, I own, anintentionally unacknowledged, usage of some of the notes which youforced into my possession, I have given rise to a belief,--to anidea,--to--'

  She hesitated, and blushed so violently, that she could not finish herphrase; but Harleigh appeared thunderstruck, and was wholly silent. Shelooked down, abashed, and added, 'The instant, by any possiblemeans,--by work, by toil, by labour,--nothing will be too severe,--allwill be light and easy,--that can rectify,--that--'

  She could not proceed; and Harleigh, somewhat recovered by the view ofher confusion, gently, though reproachfully, said, 'All, then, will bepreferable to the slightest, smallest trust in me?--And is this fromabhorrence?--or do you deem me so ungenerous as to believe that I shouldtake unworthy advantage of being permitted to offer you even the mosttrivial service?'

  'No, no, oh, no!' with quickness cried Juliet; 'but the more generousyou may be, the more readily you may imagine--'

  She stopt, at a loss how to finish.

  'That you would be generous, too?' cried Harleigh, revived and smiling.

  She could not refrain from a smile herself, but hastily added, 'Myconduct must be liable to no inference of any sort. Adieu, Sir. I willdeliver you the packet in Miss Joddrel's room.'

  Her hand was upon the lock, but his foot, fixed firmly against the door,impeded its being opened, while he exclaimed, 'I cannot part with youthus! You must clear this terrific obscurity, that threatens to involveme, once more, in the horrours of excruciating suspense!--Why that cruelexpression of displeasure? Can you think that the moment ofhope,--however brief, however unintentional, however accidental,--canever be obliterated from my thoughts? that my existence, to whateverterm it may be lengthened, will ever out-live the precious remembrancethat you have called me your destined protector?--your guardian angel?'

  He could add no more; a mortal paleness overspread the face of Juliet,who, letting go the lock of the door, sunk upon a chair, faintlyejaculating, 'Was I not yet sufficiently miserable?'

  Penetrated with sorrow, and struck with alarm, Harleigh looked at her insilence; but when again he sought to take her hand, shrinking from histouch, though regarding him with an expression that supplicated ratherthan commanded forbearance; 'If you would not kill me, Mr Harleigh,' shecried, 'you will relinquish this terrible perseverance!'

  'Relinquish?' he repeated, 'What now? Now, that all delicacy for thiswild, eccentric, though so generous Elinor is at an end? that she has,herself, annulled your engagement? Relinquish, now, the hopes so longpursued,--so difficultly caught? No, I swear to you--'

  Juliet arose. 'Oh hold, Mr Harleigh!' she cried; 'recollect yourself amoment! I lament if I have, involuntarily, caused you any transientmistake; yet, do me the justice to reflect, that I have never cast mydestiny upon that of Miss Joddrel. No decision, therefore, of hers canmake any change in mine.'

  She again put her hand upon the lock of the door.

  Harleigh fixt upon her his eyes, which spoke the severest disturbance,while, in tremulous accents, he uttered, 'And can you leave me thus, towasting despondence?--and with this cold, chilling, blightingcomposure?--Is it from pitiless apathy, which incapacitates for judgingof torments which it does not experience?--O no! Those eyes that sooften glisten with the most touching sensibility,--those cheeks that sobeautifully mantle with the varying dies of quick transition ofsentiment,--that mouth, which so expressively plays in harmony withevery word,--nay, every thought,--all, all announce a heart where everyvirtue is seconded and softened by every feeling!--a mind alive to thequickest sensations, yet invigorated with the ablest understanding! asoul of angelic purity!--'

  Some sound from the passage made him suddenly stop, and remove his foot;while the hand of Juliet dropt from the lock. They were both silent, andboth, affrighted, stood suspended; till Juliet, shocked at theimpropriety of such a situation, forced herself to open the door,--atthe other side of which, looking more dead than alive, stood Elinor,leaning upon her sister.

  'I began to think,' she cried, in a hollow tone, 'that you wereeloped!--and determining to trust to no messenger, I came myself.' Shethen endeavoured to call forth a smile; but it visited so unwillinglyfeatures nearly distorted by internal agony, that it gave a cast almostghastly to her countenance.

  'Why, Harleigh,' she cried, 'should you thus shun me? Have I not givenback her plighted faith to Ellis? Yet I am not ignorant how tired youmust be of those old thread-bare topics, bowls, daggers, poignards, andbodkins: but they have had their reign, and are now dethroned. Whatremains is plain, common, stupid rationality. I wish to converse withyou, Albert, only as a casuist; and upon a point of conscience which youalone can settle. For this world, and for all that belongs to it, all,with me, is utterly over! I have neither care nor interest left in it;and I have no belief that there is any other. I am very composedlyready, therefore, to take my last nap. I merely wish to learn, before Ireturn to my torpid ignorance, whether it can be a fact, that you,Harleigh, you! believe in a future state for mortal man? And I engageyou by your friendship,--which I still prize above all things! and byyour honour, which you, I know, prize in the same manner, to answer methis question, instantly and categorically.'

  'Most faithfully, then, Elinor, yes! All the happiness of my presentlife is founded upon my belief of a life to come!'

  Elinor held up her hands. 'Astonishing!' she cried. 'Can judgment andcredulity, wisdom and superstition, thus jumble themselves together! Andin a head so clear, so even oracular! Give me, at least, your reasons;and see that they are your own!'

  Harleigh looked disturbed, but made not any answer.

  The wan face of Elinor was now lighted up with hues of scarlet. 'Ifeel,' she cried, 'the impropriety of this intrusion;--for who, if notI,--since we all prize most what we know leas
t,--should respecthappiness? When you have finished, however, your present conference,honour me, both of you, if you please,--that the period so employed maybe less wearisome to either,--with a final one up stairs. Harleigh! Afinal one!'

  Harleigh was still silent.

  A yet deeper red now dyed the whole complexion of Elinor, and she added,'If, to-day, you are too much engaged,--to-morrow will suffice. To-day,indeed, your solemn protestations of belief, upon a subject which to me,is a chaos,--dark,--impervious, impenetrable! has given ample employmentto my ideas.'

  Repulsing, then, his silently offered arm, she returned, with Selina, tothe chamber consigned to her by Mrs Ireton.